I can guarantee that this blog post will not be about what you are thinking at all Just follow me here.. (if I bore you to tears, just go back to perusing Facebook for cripes sake!)
I’m selfish. Well, rather- I was selfish. I never wanted children. Never never never! I even boasted to other people how proud I was that I never had any. (how foolish of me!) I used to pray that I never would have children, thanked God I never had them. I wanted nothing more than to live a very happy, self-involved, unattached life. Afterall, I had done a pretty good job of it thus far.
So let’s fast forward to God showing me visions and dreams… And here goes..
When God first told me he was giving me a child I went:
“huh? Me?!! No! No! No… No thanks God. I’ve got everything I need. But hey, thanks for trying to give me a gift. Maybe next time you can read my “I want” list before you start handing things out.”
I have said “not for me” all my life. I’ve spent countless hours explaining my choice to remain childless..but even the tiring explanations seemed far less painful than actually having a child. I boasted about my life! My selfish, materialistic, shallow life. (ugh, sounds bad when you put it to words) But I was a “good person” and I didn’t need anything “ruining” the future I was bound and determined to have.
But God….being the mighty and awesome omnipotent one- has another plan for lil ole’ Cherish it seems. I begged him..I pleaded with him..got angry with him.. Then finally did what you do when all else fails.. I gave in.
When God shows you something with such force and clarity that it is real, who can argue with God? (allow me to answer..ahem.. Nobody) and why the heck was I being so stinking stubborn anyway? Afterall, who refuses a gift from heaven? Uh.. Cherish tried.
There is beauty in surrender. God showed me something I never saw before. Selfishness in it’s bad light. I’ve lived a life for me, me, me and I’ve had plenty of things. Yet when you surrender to Gods plan for your life, all that “stuff” doesn’t matter. So I surrendered to God. Like I had never surrendered in my life. Something that I was totally against- God started showing me the positive side of it. A greater purpose for it.
Hold me I would give birth to a child. A baby girl. Her name will be Trinity Grace and she will do mighty things for his kingdom. He began showing her to me. Her little nose, knotty knees, blue eyes.. How can you ignore something like that? I’ve seen her. I love her. Yet she is not here yet. I have faith that she will though. God is still working on my heart, and readying me for her arrival. When the time comes, I will know. She will be a special child. Why God chose me, I will never fully understand. There are plenty of women out there willing and able to have a child- I guess it was God’s way of breaking the horse. So I am sitting here.. Saddled up with a bit in my mouth saying “C’mon God..Lets ride!” So I guess I will be alright. If God has the plan, I’ll be the vessel. He definitely has my future and I trust he has my best interest at hand.
Sometimes it’s hard to let go. Especially when you feel like you are living right and doing good and all is well in your world. Oh, but I’ve been knocked off my high horse. God has a way of perfecting you. (no, I’m not calling myself perfect) I’m merely admitting how he works within you. He shows you things you could never see on your own, changes perceptions that are out-dated and stale. A divine intervention. Now don’t get me wrong, God loves you the way you are, but he loves us all too much to leave us that way. My heart has been changed. Rather, reverted to it’s original softened form. It’s a beating, bleeding, soft moldable heart for God.
PS. No, I am not pregnant. (yet)