That one little phrase was one of the hardest to grasp-for me. It’s so easy to preach to the choir- but when it comes up in your life, well, easier said than done.
I knew that verse well. God showed me in a real life experience what that verse truly meant. I have been married for almost 4 years. I love my husband. The problem is, two years into our relationship he went into a very deep dark place. He went into a depression. I was too blind to see. It spiraled. He didn’t want to do anything. Didn’t want to make friends. He barricaded himself inside. Didn’t want to go anywhere. The only thing of interest to him was sitting in his recliner and watching tv. That became my life. I had a husband that I played house with. I would cook, and sometimes we would go out to dinner. We had a good time- it seemed. But he was never quite right. Never quite there as a knew him to be like he was in the past.
We started argueing. He felt like I was pushing him and making him do things that he didn’t want to do. Truth is, I was just trying to push him to do Something. Anything. I was gonna love him if it killed me. And that’s exactly what it began to do. I got a harderened heart and I felt stale. I was sitting and rotting in a marriage. And I didn’t even know how bad it was until march 2010 God told me I needed to leave. At that point in our relationship we had two homes. So it was easy to just stay in one place, as he stayed in the other. As the days went on, and the weeks went on-I realized when he wasn’t calling me, or coming to see me as much as I needed him to…there was really not a whole lot there that I thought was there.
The marriage that I thought was there in my rose colored glasses didn’t exist, as I thought it did. Over the course of 8 months alone, I woke up. The blinders came off. I snapped awake. I could now see things objectively and I leaned on God for understanding to the questions that I had. God told me 6 months into the separation that I needed to divorce my husband. I said God, “I don’t think that’s right. I don’t think you said that. Maybe that’s what I want..” when things don’t go quite right, people give up..
But I didn’t want to let go!!
I loved my husband. Deeply. Emotionally. But as time grew on, God showed me the error of ways. There was a day when God was tormenting me so much after a few counciling sessions to leave, go.. (when god wants to tell you something he just throws it in your face over and over and over again until you get it.) well I finally got it. So I went into counciling that day and I decided today was the day I tell him I was leaving and filing papers Monday. Divorce is starting. So I did that. Now prior to that, you must know, I have always tried to keep the peace, Never trying to disrupt any balance. But that day…something changed. I was stronger with God.
I saw my husband snap. He got angry
and stormed out of that Counciling session early. That next morning I get a call at 2am. He was talking completely out of his mind. Asking why I left so early, and he was searching for me.on and on and on… and I was so puzzled by the call….I just sat up and prayed for the man, and went back to sleep.
A few days went by, and no news. I figured he wanted a break or needed some time to cool down. I stopped by at his place, to check on him. I asked “what happened on that night?” and he admitted to me that he had taken handfuls of pills and waited to die. He tried to die. The pain he said he felt was too much to go on. Losing me was too much bare. Too hard To deal with. I broke down. I didn’t know what to say. I knew that I had to be strong in my conviction to walk away even though he was reaching for every straw he had.
God saved his life. I always tried to help him. To fix him. To make him happy. But God knew I wasn’t the cure, I was only the guide-dog. By all human knowledge he should be dead with enough sleeping pills, Benicar and Wellbutrin in his system to make an elepheant foam at the mouth.
He said that night he went thru hell. “Got the grand tour” he recalled. “but there was an angel leading me out” bringing him back to life. To Gods true calling.
When I walked away my husband thought that his life was over. He even did things in his power to force it to be so. He took pills and did everything in his power to let go because he thought that would be easier.. God woke him up. God started tugging at him now and making HIM uncomfortable. CJ started reaching for the bible like he had never before. I had been going through a spiritual growth at this time, I tried to talk to him about things, but he never wanted to talk about it. Matter of fact, he shut me down a lot. Didn’t like the fact I was so spiritual.
Well CJ does have God now. He is spiritual. God told me that I had to leave, so that God could do his work. God had to fix him. That was one of the toughest messages I had to receive. That I had to let go and let God do his work. I am so thankful that I did. I’m in a better place-he’s in a better place with God.
Even as I am proofreading this, I dont want to post it on my blog. I say “God this hurts too much.” I dont want to be this honest and open about things..
He said, Cherish..Let go, and Let God