This past year was my Shando. In English, it means complete turnaround. My life did a complete 180 degrees at the ripe age of 27 years young. A complete ripping of one life to another is quite painful. It is difficult to keep the same mind set you had before. My friends have changed, ,my motives have changed, my job has changed, my husband changed. Frankly my life uprooted and moved to another place without my permission.
All I can do at this point – looking back peeking through my fingers – is LAUGH. Boldly, confidently, laugh at the fact that I am a new person and not baker-acted and living in a rubber room. (Though, I am sure if the whole world knew what I have come to know – I would surely be there.) I don’t laugh because of glee, or happiness at the time, I laugh because I can finally get to the place of laughter again. Thanks only to God’s grace. God has been good to me during my trials, and through God is the only way I have survived such hardships as losing a husband, losing a job, losing a home, and trying to move on with shattered pieces and shame I was left with.
Something happened to me one morning. I just woke up and decided that my life wasn’t over and it had rather – just begun. So one foot in front of the other I move every day. I’ve adopted a “let’s just get it done” attitude, and I have pinched, pushed, and pulled my way through the toughest year of my life yet. But walking away from the ashes, I smell freedom and can see the light glimmering down the road. God has promised good to me. I am dedicating my life to those promises.
How I kept a home together in a 4 year marriage (7 year relationship) with a man who was severely depressed and Bipolar, who refused to take medications – is beyond me. How I was so blinded by love to just accept a mediocre marriage and just exist in a home that was clearly broken for years – I do not know that either. I was married to my best friend and had nothing more than a room-mate for 7 years. I just didn’t know it at the time. Over the years things happened that opened my eyes to the reality I didn’t want to see. I should have known when you get zero emotional attachment from someone that they aren’t really there. More like a carbon copy human form sitting on the sofa that I came home to each night. So I sat rotting and numb in a lackluster marriage that literally sucked the life out of me. I’m still playing catch up to my emotions and working through a whole mess of baggage. I felt guilty for feeling unfulfilled, but yet the feeling of unfulfillment was still there. I was a “work horse” more than a wife and I believe that with my entire being.
I had so much. I had everything money would buy in my possession – yet it meant nothing and I got to the point I didn’t want to work toward anything else, because they were all empty possessions. I bought things to keep me distracted and detached from the reality I didn’t want to see. “stuff” will never make you happy.
So I leaped out of a 7 year marital relationship and hoped to land on the soft ground of joy and happiness with God now guiding my life. You can never mentally prepare yourself for a divorce. You can literally feel the ripping apart and tearing inside. It’s just awful and I pray never to go through such a horrendous experience ever again. Losing a marriage cost me more than I thought it would. (My Job, Home, Friends, and a whole life that I didn’t need anymore.)
I packed my bags and was done. I had finally had enough, with God pushing me out the door. I lived out of suitcases in my home for 2 months not wanting to unpack. I can’t tell you what goes through your mind at those times. You don’t think clearly, you just want to pull off that bandaid and bleed out. I wanted to hide away, and if my 130 lb self could have stuffed into a suitcase at that point, I would have been there – content.
God blessed me with a second chance at life and love. One of those rare occurrences that can only be strung together by God. I’m in good hands now, and that is what keeps me moving forward throughout the day. My life has just started to calm down into my new normal. Coming back down to “grin and bear it” works for me, at least I can grin again. I’m leading this new life aligned by God, and I feel I have been given my task list for the next 20 years. I met one of the most breathtaking individuals on the planet, and I awake everyday just to see their face. My world is more complete than I ever expected, and I am finally going to be more than ok, I’m going for greatness this time around. We breathed new life into each other. I rediscovered that I can love again, and that I am willing to allow myself to be loved. I learned that forgiveness to others, and forgiving yourself is crucial to healing and moving on. Forgiving yourself can be the hardest. I can honestly say I’ve now done the hardest part.
I am in no way, healed. I see the world differently around me. I am no longer judgmental about things I do not know. I guess judgment comes from an innocent standpoint. I am not ‘holier than thou’ by any means of the term. I just want the life God intended for me. Now I see that I had to give up things like selfishness, pride, and a few wrong relationships to align with God again. He and I walk hand in hand everyday and I know better than to go astray. So here is to new love, a new year, and new beginnings that will lead to a lifetime of the joy and happiness God intended for me.